


Gizzogle shizzznitz

by Lyumia



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Sword Art Online, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, Various Fandoms - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8470264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyumia/pseuds/Lyumia
Summary: Basically a bunch of my stories put into a crappy translator that I liked to read to my friends in Nagisa's voice from 50% Off





	1. Love and Care

Da chronic was a lil hot, steam curlin up from tha broth n' warmin his wild lil' grill yo. Dude set it on tha table smilin down at his fuckin lil patient cocooned up in five blankets, red faced n' pouting. "How tha fuck you feelin Cloud?"

Da blond sniffed heavily, blue, puffy eyes narrowed tha fuck into slits, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. "I can't feel mah fuckin face, there be a mucus up in tha back of mah throat while mah insides is tryin they damn hardest ta be on mah outsides. But I wouldn't know Zack, I aint a thugged-out doctor." Dude trembled up in tha blankets, a pitiful whine before da thug was back ta sulkin like a indignant bird.

Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Skanky lil Cloudy, Zack thought as da perved-out muthafucka stirred tha soup. Dat shiznit was a general consensus dat whenever tha blond flossed any sign of sicknizz he immediately be brought ta Zackz crib fo' ludd n' care.

Well, aiiight, not ludd n' care. Cloud was nearly unbearable wit tha slightest chizzle up in his sinuses, da thug was terrifyin wit allergies, threatenin ta burn every last muthafuckin plant whenever da thug went on a mission, n' straight-up wack when dat schmoooove muthafucka had a cold-ass lil cold dat even da most thugged-out patient of nurses could hardly deal wit his muthafuckin ass.

"Open wide!" Dude grinned, scoopin some up wit tha spoon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "Choo-choo!"

"Fuck you-" Dude sputtered, glarin up at Zack whoz ass shrugged when he pulled away tha spoon da perved-out muthafucka shoved tha fuck into Cloudz grill yo. Dude smacked his fuckin lips, eye dartin up. "I can't taste shit."

"Thatz why it tastes like shit." Dude clicked his cold-ass tongue. "And why they leftover mess slop gets busted ta tha infirmary. Yo ass muthafuckas can't taste anything, so you can't complain."

"Do they want our asses ta die?"

Zack laughed at his horrified expression, slidin tha spoon tha fuck into Cloudz gapin grill. "Maybe, I be pretty shizzle a shitload of tha insurizzle fronts git all up in tha fat playa his dirty ass." Dude fed Cloud another spoonful when tha pimpin' muthafucka tried ta reply.

"Would you stop that?" Da blond was still glowerin at him, even afta half a funky-ass bowl of canned chronic dat Zack so graciously cooked up in his crazy-ass microwave. Well tried ta yo. Dude forgot ta dump it outta tha can n' apparently aluminum straight-up do explode up in microwaves. Now his wild lil' fuckin eyes was drooping, poppin open every last muthafuckin so often.

"Yo ass can chill y'know." Dude smoothed up tha blankets, fluffin tha pillows under his soft crown of spiky hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "I be bout ta be here."

"Thatz what tha fuck I be worried about... Yo ass dyin mah underwear pink or somethin'... while 'm chillin'."

"Dope scam Cloud, glad you mentioned dat shit."

"Zack."l

"Yeah?"

"Fuck you, biatch." Cloud curled up tha fuck into a lil bizzle safe inside his cocoon, smilin n' slumberin away. Zack cleaned up- or tried to. It aint nuthin but straight-up hard ta clean scorch marks off walls. Glancin down at his wild lil' playa occasionally. Well shiiiit, it didn't matta Cloud was nearly unbearable wit tha slightest chizzle up in his sinuses, da thug was terrifyin wit allergies, threatenin ta burn every last muthafuckin plant whenever da thug went on a mission, n' straight-up wack when dat schmoooove muthafucka had a cold-ass lil cold dat even da most thugged-out patient of nurses could hardly deal wit his muthafuckin ass. 

Zack was there ta give his ass ludd n' care.


	2. Human Nature Chapter I

_"Muthafuckas wanna hear bout the_  
_extremez of human nature._  
_They want thangs larger_  
_than they own lives,_  
_n' mo' romantic,_  
_n' not necessarily_  
_they own experiences."_  
-Slick Rick Thompson

* * *

Da flames roared behind him, cracklin n' illuminatin tha black marble floor, tha sound of air slidin off blades. Pain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da shoutz of orders, tha criez of tha falling. There was blood all round him, thick liquid poolin before it hardened, greying, cracking. Dat shiznit was on his muthafuckin ass. In his hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. In his fuckin lungs, burnin his nose. Da hand faded, tha pimp of a smile n' bright blue eyes burned tha fuck into his crazy-ass mind, his sword heavy up in his hand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "You..." Dude snarled, tha tip of his sword draggin across tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "You... capped his muthafuckin ass..." Dude roared. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "I be bout ta bust a cap up in you, nahmean biiiatch?"

" _Kirito_ , _no_!"

* * *

It had been right outta tha imaginationz of smart-ass es, served up all up in a single case n' a helmet whose deceptively ordinary appearizzle dat tha ghetto rejoiced up in celebration, even mo' so since only all dem titlez came close ta _Da New Generation_ risin standards. But todizzle, history would be recorded. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da present is ghon be chizzled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! All props ta one lil plug up in n' a game pimper n' shiznit yo. Dude smiled, pullin tha chip from its case, levelin it ta his wild lil' fuckin eye fo' realz. Another ghetto away from here, wit adventure n' immersion...

" _Da first twenty buyerz of tha freshly smoked up virtual experience Sword Art Online..._ " Da reporta droned on from tha televizzle his crazy-ass mutha peeped downstairs yo. Dude frowned at his fuckin lil' door, cracked open afta da thug was shizzle dat schmoooove muthafucka had closed dat shit. Weird. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude rolled his shoulders. But there was lil time left yo. His crew wouldn't disturb his ass while he played. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude grinned, slidin on tha helmet. Especially while da thug was playing.

Link... "START!" From darknizz color blew up like a muthafucka before his wild lil' fuckin eyes.

" _Yo, wuz crackalackin', biatch? Yo ass is smokin Sword Art Online._ _Quit playin' n' do what tha fuck I be sayin'! Please chizzle yo' class_." Da NPC smiled at him, golden afro held back wit a metal crew, golden armor shimmerin up in tha pale blue light. This he knew yo. Dude had his wild lil' fuckin eyes on tha Rouge DPS Knight build since tha class traila was busted out. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! A reflection of his dirty ass stared back at him, wide eyed n' anxious yo. Dude smiled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude stilled looked nervous yo. Dude squared his shoulders, handz on his hips, studyin tha blue armor of his beginners set. " _Da extent ta which you can alta yo' appearizzle is limited. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. Da followin attributes have limits; Height, n' skin color."_

"Do you need mah crazy ass ta pat mah dirty ass down?" Dude cleared his cold-ass throat. "So you know mah precise wight n' height?" Dude raised his height slightly, admirin tha talla n' mo' Kool & Tha Gang warrior.

" _No. Da calculations had been made when you entered tha characta customization screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo crazy-ass dome believes it is standin up, so tha shiznit is gathered from tha false signals._ " Biatch waved her hand, a keyboard manifestin up in front of his muthafuckin ass. " _Quit playin' n' do what tha fuck I be sayin'! Please enta a name._ "

_Wow_ , he grinned. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Somedizzle da thug wanted ta do suttin' like dis shiznit yo. Dude went wit tha same name he used since da thug was ten- Kirito.

Dude was thrust tha fuck into tha ghetto- almost literally, a gangbangin' flash of light n' da thug was there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. In tha hood square fo' realz. A fountain spewed a spectrum of colored wata from strange creatures as playas bustled all up in tha area excitedly. "Noobs!" A crew jeered, playfully wavin tha game manual. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. "C'mon, dis shiznit be already up in yo' inventory." Da Tank patted tha Beast Tamer on tha head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "And there be a a NPC by tha spawnin points up in tha hood square of Astrum." Already tha game was instillin a sense of promise within his muthafuckin ass fo' realz. Adventure. Discovery yo. Dude stumbled on tha next thought up in his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Even thangs.

Dude dissed n' dismissed tha display tha experienced playas was makin of tha newbies, wanderin down all up in tha market streets where playas was already skimmin all up in tha available items. Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is. Da sound of his boots against tha brick path was drowned up by tha clamor of merchants n' playas gettin they first taste of tha craftin stations. "Hey!" A hand gripped his shoulder.

"Let me go-"

"Yo ass be lookin like you you know where you going."

A red haired playa grinned at him, tha bright color of his afro stunnin his ass tha fuck into forgettin his bitin remark. "Ah, itz tha afro aint it?" Dude shrugged, his wild lil' fuckin easy as fuck goin attitude practically oozin from his thugged-out lil' pores. "Though, it aint as wild-ass as some other playas here, I be thinkin I saw a cold-ass lil chick wit pink afro earlier n' shiznit fo' realz. Anyway, I be Klien, n' you seem ta be a way betta playa than mah dirty ass." At Kiritoz extended silence, his schmoooove ass continued. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Y'know, since I be a FPS kind of muthafucka. RPGz aren't straight-up mah thang but, when I saw tha traila it looked bangin."

"Oh." Was his shitty response.

Klein adjusted tha red bandana round his head, hustlin a hand all up in his crazy-ass mess of red hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "So, you gots any tips, oh wise one?"

"Wise one?" Dude snorted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. "Just follow tha formula." At tha helpless look he received da perved-out muthafucka sighed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "C'mon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I wanna git tha phat item drops before other playas snatch dem up." 

" _Hai Sensei_!!!"

"Please don't say dis shit. Ever."

Anicard was dope naaahhmean, biatch? Dude crouched up in tha water, trout slidin between his wild lil' freakadelic gloved handz as tha pimpin' muthafucka tried ta catch tha silver fish dartin past up in tha stream. "AH! Oh, oh mah precious babies..." Dude flinched all up in tha outburst, frownin up at Klein whoz ass laid up in tha grass holdin his crotch. "Ahh..." Dude sighed, dis had been tha third time Klein animatedly collapsed up in pain, flailin n' mutterin curses.

"It'll pass." Dude shrugged, kickin at pebble as he rejoined tha Dragoon whoz ass was still rollin round up in pain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "Da NerveGear simply mimics pain by bustin tha right electrical signal all up in tha sensors dat monitor, read, n' bust back shiznit ta yo' dome."

"Really?" Klein blinked, floppin back up. "Fuck dat shit, you shizzle do know yo' stuff."

Kirito smiled wistfully, lookin up ta tha orange sky n' tha vast hillz of swayin grass before his muthafuckin ass. "Well, you could say makin game like dis one dizzle is mah dream." Dude closed his wild lil' fuckin eyes tha fresh air floodin his senses when he inhaled deeply. "These game is mah game. In tha virtual ghetto, a shitload of tha shiznit dat holdz me back is gone. This way I can chase distant trips n' adventure away from..." Dude frowned. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Well, you git dat shit."

"Yeah." Dude nodded, handz lax on his hips as he looked up on tha massive ghetto before dem wild-ass muthafuckas. "So, what tha fuck was dat you was sayin bout magic?"

 "There is four typez of magic. Fire, water, wind, n' earth."

Klien was sick, didn't seem too shitd by Kiritoz lack of responses n' often blunt way of dismissin dumb thangs. They took back they loot, Klein fillin up in tha long silence wit anecdotes. "Whatz dat over there?" 

"Some kind of commotion." Kirito observed. 

"Therez still no response!"

"Try messagin shitshootin again!"

"Do mah playas know how tha fuck ta contact tha server admins?"

"Then how tha fuck do our slick asses log out!?" 

"What," Klein sputtered, wavin his hand n' stutterin tha command. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Menu!" It wasn't there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Kirito opened his, apprehension settlin up in his stomach, ass skippin a funky-ass beat. 

It wasn't there. 

Da log up button wasn't there. 

"It aint nuthin but not there!" Klein exclaimed, pressin on tha call button fo' tha Game Masta n' shit. "Why aint it there?!"

_Yo ass is ghon be teleported ta Astrum Square fo' a announcement by tha Game Masta regardin tha LogOut function shortly, please be patient._

They was teleported ta tha twin square, Kiritoz body catchin up ta his crazy-ass mind wit a cold-ass lil crushin fear as he looked around, Klien offerin assurin commentary while mah playas tried ta put together what tha fuck was goin on.

"What tha fuck iz that?!" Some clamored. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "In tha sky!" 

"I be shizzle you all have some thangs." Da cloaked figure before dem fuckin started. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Red robes swayin up in tha artificial wind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This was tha Game Master, he recalled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Regardin tha absence of a log up button on yo' menu screens. This aint a glitch, or some kind of oversight.But rather a experience." Da sky flashed imagez of shizzle reports, articles, n' pictures, all tha same. Warnin playas not ta play Sword Art Online. Muthafuckas dyin from playin Sword Art Online. Dyin from playin a vizzle game. "I, Kayaba Akihiko welcome you ta mah ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da rulez is simple. Permanent dirtnap be actizzle fo' every last muthafuckin playa n' shit. Beat tha game n' yo big-ass booty is ghon be able ta return ta tha other ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. 

This is yo' quest. Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I left you a partin gift up in yo' inventory. I wish you tha dopest of luck."

With a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass bobbin hand he reached up ta press tha PM notification dat flashed before his muthafuckin ass fo' realz. A mirror came tha fuck into existence before him, showin tha grill of his dirty ass back at him, a soft glow round his thugged-out avatar. 

"What tha hell?!" 

Was he... Kiritoz eyes widened. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Was dis trippin like a muthafucka, biatch? Da report of a playa dyin from his crew removin tha NerveGear lingered up in tha sky. Imagez of bustin up like a biatch crews n' playas.... Oh god.. yo. His throat tightened. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This was real. 

Dude could take a thugged-out dirt nap. 

Muthafuckas could _die_. 

Kirito was snapped up if it when he felt tha straight-up original gangsta playa move. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Screams erupted from tha crowd, frantic shoutin n' hustlin. Klien n' his ass was pulled aside, phat handz leadin dem ta where tha part of tha crowd was tryin ta exit. "Thanks Ma- Uh, Kunimittz." Klien sighed when they was safe up in a alleyway while tha mo' experienced playas talked panicked by tha inn, offerin a strained smile all up in tha black haired playa whoz ass folded his thugged-out arms over his fuckin lil' dark chronic armor set. "Y'all right Kiri- Kirito?"

"I'm... Its... Not just a game no mo'." Dude choked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Starin down at his handz yo. His handz yo. His body yo. Dude stared up at Klien. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "I didn't even git far up in tha beta without dyin once... We only have one game.." Dude wanted ta bounce back ta tha doggy den, da thug wanted ta peep his sista n' shiznit yo. Dude wanted ta gangbang her n' shiznit yo. Dude wanted ta say he loved his crazy-ass mother, n' didn't hold it against her fo' not spittin some lyrics ta his ass da thug was adopted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time yo. Dude hugged his dirty ass.

"Do you wanna come wit us?" Kunimittz offered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Therez safety up in numbers fo' realz. And we git mo' experience n' loot drops between us. Or if you already playin wit one of mah thugs..." 

"I have no one." Klien hugged him, pattin his back n' lettin Kirito lay his head on his shoulder n' shit. They left later, rejoinin tha the rest of they crew up in tha outskirtz of town, tha adults conversin on tha fuckin' down-lowly while Dale, a big-ass dark haired dude, flossed his ass which herbs could be harvested, n' he let Kirito peep his ass throw each herbs together ta peep what tha fuck worked.

"Yo, Kirito, Dale!" Klein called. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "We gonna travel a lil' bit before we set up camp." Da monstas was no shiznit wit they combined efforts, findin a gangbangin' forest clearin ta stop in.

"Yo Kirito, you wanna chill first?" Klein offered, smilin widely. "Dynamm n' I can take first watch."

"I... don't be thinkin I can chill." Dude admitted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. "Can I take first peep instead?"

"Sure thang. Kiri."

 Da forest beasts made feral noises up in tha distance, his crazy-ass mind tetherin between awarenizz n' deep thought. Da others slept heavily, oblivious ta tha dark shiznit while they dreams.

"Yo ass know how tha fuck tha game mechanics work?" Dynamm axed when his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started cleanin his shield.

"Yeah," Dude managed, thankful fo' tha distraction. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "Therez a skill tree system dat works off of repetizzle n' a cold-ass lil complex algorithm of discovery based on move sets n' build type." Dude fiddled wit tha cuff of his sleeve while da perved-out muthafucka spoke.

Dynamm nodded, cloth glidin along his shield. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Yo ass have betta chances than at least half tha other playas up in dis biatch..."

Kirito laughed sourly, "Of course I know. I beta tested tha thang. Nothang seemed wack then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I know a shitload of thangs. Like tha Holy Knight Class can git a Lancerz moveset. there be a only five known ways ta git a legendary skill so far." His fingers dug tha fuck into tha fabric. "And most classes like mages don't apothecary buffs until lata levels cuz of it, since thangs like herb collectin n' cookin depend on tha skill of tha actual playa cuz tha creator of tha game wanted it ta be as immersive as possible." Dude ducked his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "How tha fuck could I have eva admired some muthafucka like dat n' like dis n' like dat y'all..."

"Therez no use agonizin over it now, nahmeean?" Dynamm Grunted, twiddlin tha cloth wit his cold-ass thumbs. "Like I holla'd, you have betta oddz than tha other playas like our asses up in here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Maybe you could even be beneficial ta our crew. Even if itz unlikely." Dude shrugged. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "No offense yo, but wit you our crazy asses have one mo' DPS than necessary so we would need ta cover more-"

"I have ta bounce tha fuck out... do... somewhere." Dude strutted wit his cold-ass thoughts, slowin n' pacin all up in tha path yo. Dude stumbled, boots sloshin up in tha mud. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude scowled liftin a gangbangin' foot ta brush it off. Well shiiiit, it smeared red on his wild lil' freakadelic glove.

It wasn't mud.

Da ground rumbled, a stone shrine fell tha fuck apart, pimped out slabs crashin against tha ground n' bustin up a thick, rancid odor of rot n' decay. Kirito stumbled back, gapin up all up in tha horned mutilated monstrosity.

**Da Matriarch: Muthafucka of Beasts**

Da Matriarch screeched, hooves slammin against tha grass, tearin it up, bustin dirt clumps n' flowers everywhere, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho yo. Dude breasts swayed wit her erratic movements, sickenin noises chorusin all up in tha air yo. His sword barely pierced tha muscle, openin lil' small-ass slits on her hide, blood tricklin down, blackenin n' turnin ta ash.

Dude was ridin' solo yo. Dude thought as he rolled back, her spear slashin his stomach.

Was he straight-up goin ta take a thugged-out dirtnap so soon?

"Kirito!" Klein came burstin all up in tha trees, bobbin his ass by tha shoulders. "Don't run off like dat son! Yo ass nearly gave me a hearty attack!"

"Klein!" Dude pushed tha olda wit his body, her spear bustin a rush of air at his back. Dizzy cast a quick buff, Dynamm raisin his shield n' tha others raisin they swordz against tha beast. Klein pulled his ass onto his wild lil' feet, a straight-up trippin excitement shinin up in his wild lil' fuckin eyes. "C'mon man! This has ta be a lieutenant boss fight or something!" Dude drew his short sword, blood spillin from tha shallow gashes. Well shiiiit, it didn't be lookin like enough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce yo. Dude dove in, releasin a roar of his own, teeth bared n' a glare zeroed up in on tha enemy.

[ **Skill Activate: Battle Cry** ]

His sword glowed blue, tha slash cuttin all up in tha pig biatchz swollen torso wit ease compared ta tha straight-up original gangsta few strikes, tha others movin faster, stronger, every last muthafuckin movement radiatin juice n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch collapsed on her skinny legs, slumpin over wit a pimped out groan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude panted, sheathang his sword n' stumblin over ta tha corpse. Bodies lingered when they had loot, he recited, tha blood turnin ta ash on his hands.

"Kirito. What was dat skill you used?" Kunimittz regarded his ass curiously, tha otherz turnin away from tha corpse

**Battle Cry:** Raises Defense n' battle a stage, givin allies n' tha user a funky-ass boost up in moral by unleashin a rage filled cry like a muthafucka.

"Thatz neat." Klein mused, rubbin his chin.

"I guess." It wasn't anythang too spectacular.

"Yo, I straight-up git you man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Here, levelin up can be pretty hard if yo ass aint up in a group." Harry One grinned, slippin a metal crew onto his wild lil' finger, tha rang glowin on his hand as it recognized itz freshly smoked up baller.

"Harry- is you hittin on mah Kiri!!!" Klein squealed, wavin his short sword up in tha air. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "I'ma fight fo' his honor!"

"Shut up Klein- I be just tryin ta be help!"

"Yo ass can't hide yo' ulterior motives from me!"

Kirito laughed at they antics, turnin reluctantly n' disappearin tha fuck into tha trees. They would be betta without his muthafuckin ass. Weighin dem down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude ignored tha crushin sense of lonelinizz n' dread weighin down his chest as his schmoooove ass continued on wit a smile.


	3. Anicrad: Astrum Adsequor II

"Da measure of a man  
Standz or falls wit what tha fuck he leaves behind  
Gather on tha sand  
Let yo' voices carry ta tha sky  
Rise up in light  
Let tha godz look down on dis n' wonder."  
\- "Measure of a Man", Heather Dale

Travelin ridin' solo up in SAO was a tense affair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da constant threat of monsta attacks keepin his ass on his cold-ass toes yo. Dude sat down on a rock, starin down at his crazy-ass map yo. Dude wasn't shizzle how tha fuck far da thug was from Klein afta two minutez of struttin n' secondz of chill yo. Dude was shizzle they was fine. They had ta be.

It came outta tha shadows, cloak smotherin up tha flame n' tha hiss of blades movin all up in tha air yo. His threadz tore, steel scrapin against his skin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude jumped back, drawin his own sword. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Why is you comin' all up in mah grill son?" Dude snapped, pullin up his sword, ignorin tha stin of his wound on his cheek.

"Yo ass don't give a fuck?" Da assassin snickered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "This is tha mark of tha Bustin up Guild. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This is ghon be tha last thang you peep when you take a thugged-out dirt nap." Da playa laughed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Wavin his curved twin blades.

Dude struck again, jarrin Kiritoz exhausted musclez tha fuck into action. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Parry, strike, strike. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Side step fo' realz. A deadly dance.

Da guild member was better, he knew. Just a gangbangin' fraction of speed n' rest Ade tha definin difference yo. Dude stumbled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "I've gots you now!"

No! No! No! I don't wanna die biaaatch! Dude gritted his cold-ass teeth, strugglin ta lift his sword, woundz stinging. I wanna live biaaatch! I wanna bounce back ta tha doggy den! Da blade came closer, ta his chest, tha grin of tha a peekin all up in his hood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Dude was goin ta take a thugged-out dirt nap.

Dude didn't wanna take a thugged-out dirt nap.

"Curious." A deep voice murmured over his shoulder, purple mist becomin swampin tha field, body frozen up in time.

Dat shiznit was gone just as quickly as it came, his thugged-out assailant crashin down onto tha ground wit a pained groan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Crimson poolin beneath his muthafuckin ass.

Da body didn't stay, like monsta kills. Blood turnin ta ash on tha grass yo. Dude stared down all up in tha spot, transfixed.

Dude wasn't shizzle how tha fuck long da perved-out muthafucka stood there, n' it wasn't until a hustlin jam discovered his ass n' da thug was bobbin back ta awareness, a funky-ass brown haired playa holdin his ass by tha shoulders. "Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck did you kill, biatch? Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck did you murder!?"

"I.." So may eyes on him, all accusing... all loathang yo. HIs hairy-ass legs didn't have tha will ta carry his ass no mo'. "I don't give a gangbangin' fuck fo' realz. All da perved-out muthafucka holla'd was... was." Dude couldn't breathe fo' realz. A biatch crouched behind him, rubbin soothang circlez on his back while his cold-ass throat closed up n' he gasped fo' air.

"Don't be all kindsa hard on his ass Keita." Her soft voice rang bangin up in his wild lil' fuckin ears, a gangbangin' finger-lickin' distant biatch shushin his thugged-out lil' panicked sobs. "Don't be all kindsa hard on yo ass." A hand ruffled his hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "Everythang is ghon be OK Kazuto."

"Dude don't seem like a Player Killer." Dude managed ta look up at another playa wit lighter, shaggier brown hair, up in a low qualitizzle purple armor set.

"Bustin up coffin." Dude managed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Bustin up coffin."

They all shared a glance. "We should take his ass ta tha next town. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They're settin up a trade system fo' healin shit n' spells ta make dem available fo' straight-up playa."

Kirito didn't realized time had passed again n' again n' again until one of mah thugs spoke.

"If you need anything, just look fo' tha Black Cat guild under tha name tag." One of dem holla'd, snappin his ass outta his cold-ass thoughts yo. Dude was up in a room. Da thug had already closed tha door behind dem leavin Kirito ridin' solo wit his dirty ass.

Sleep yo. Dude thought. Is all I can do n' aint a thugged-out damn thang dat yo' ass can do.

Dude wandered round tha straight-up original gangsta floor fo' tha next month, cappin' monstas n' givin away shit ta lowered level playas yo. Dude couldn't remember names or faces. Just blood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Blackening.

Dude stopped, bright colored posta pinned ta tha board up in tha hood hall fo' PC Quests yo. Dude took a picture, starin down all up in tha memory crystal wit a cold-ass lil contemplatizzle expression.

Dude was only goin ta look.

"Da straight-up legit meetin fo' tha First Floor Boss is beginning. Please take yo' seats!" A blue haired knight shouted up in a sectioned off area of Astrum. "Hoes call me Diabel, n' I be tha main organizer of dis event!" Dude grinned, blue eyes shinin brightly despite tha grim expressionz of tha crew. "Now, I be shizzle most of y'all have heard bout tha last expedizzle ta tha boss room, now, fo' all y'all whoz ass was there, our crazy asses hope dat yo' knowledge will help our asses wit our mission, n' dat tha sacrificez of yo' loved ones was not up in vain."

Dude paused, smiled falterin before his schmoooove ass continued wit tha same juice. "So, we'll move dis ta tha library n' rap mo' there fo' dem dat is interested, yeah?"

Not mah playas went, some stayin behind lookin down as if they weren't shizzle what tha fuck ta do wit theyselves. Others too scared ta follow, lookin afta dem wit solemn expressions.

Da boss was some kind of Minotaur, called Da Patriarch of Yorm, which was some demon settlement, as a lore hunta explained. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Well shiiiit, it used one giant sword n' was a heavy attacker n' shit. There was no clear description of its second phase.

A traditionizzle battle jam would start, wit tanks n' dps' leadin tha assault, healaz n' ranged dps followin while tha attackers would do a tag steez of combat fo' realz. Attack, heal, attack, defend yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'.

"For a gangbangin' first floor boss dis should work well." A tank explained, a imposin figure wit his cold-ass towerin height a mace strapped ta his back. "Easy fo' novices ta follow, as long as tha boss don't separate us. Try ta stay up in groups, stay locked n' loaded fo' AoE attacks."

It continued on like this, debatin whoz ass would carry what tha fuck shit n' speculatin weaknesses.

Kirito lingered, flippin all up in books ta look as if da thug was bustin suttin' instead of just chillin there unsure of what tha fuck ta do wit his dirty ass.

"Just git all up in yo' room." Da they jam leader sighed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da archer opened her grill ta argue yo, but he leveled a gangbangin' firm stare down at her, n' her big-ass booty stomped off up in a huff.

"Straight-Up now, nahmeean?" Da blue haired knight sighed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "I'd never use tha word yo, but noob tha only thang I can use ta describe a shitload of these muthafuckas." Dude chuckled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "I didn't catch yo' name." Dude slid tha fuck into tha seat beside his muthafuckin ass. "You've been on tha down-low dis entire time."

"I be Kirito."

"Kirito, huh?" Diabel hummed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Sick ta hook up you, I be Diabel. Do you have any concerns bout anythang before our slick asses leave tomorrow?"

"Well..." Dude looked down all up in tha book up in front of his muthafuckin ass. "It say dat minotaurs is weak against they own magic type n' water, so shouldn't our slick asses look fo' mo' of thise types?"

"Dope question! Our thugged-out asses have some higher leveled playas wit secondary magic spells yo, but mo' playas wit a funky-ass boost n' resistence up in typin would be good." Dude smiled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "We bout ta put put tha message, props fo' yo' input Kirito."

Dude ducked his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "No problem."

"This is pimped out aint it, biatch? Da first step ta goin back ta tha real ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass."

"It'd be sick ta peep mah sista again..." And apologize

"Oh, Yo ass be a funky-ass big-ass brutha too?" Dude laughed, divin tha fuck into a long-ass monologue bout his thugged-out lil' precious baby sista n' how tha fuck he aspired ta help beat tha game ta peep his fuckin lil sista back up in tha real ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

"As big-ass brothers we gotta be there fo' our lil brothers n' sisters!" Dude declared, slingin a arm round Kiritoz shoulders muthafucka! "

"What’s tha straight-up original gangsta thang you wanna do when you git out?"

"I… don’t..." Dude shrugged. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "See mah crew again."

"Yeah yo, but…" Dude leaned closer, smile fadin tha fuck into a knowin expression. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "Why do you fight, biatch? Family is pimped out yo, but it’s not enough ta keep you goin all tha time." Dude tapped Kirito’s chest. "What tha fuck iz yo' ass spittin some lyrics ta yo slick ass?"

That I’m trippin like a muthafucka. That I don’t know what tha fuck ta do. I don’t wanna peep mo' blood.

"C’mon." Diabel grinned, gently pattin his shoulder as if he knew yo. Dude probably done did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "We’re pickin our tertiary partners."

Everyone was grouped up by tha time they rejoined tha rest of tha party yo, but Diabel seemed ta already be leadin his ass towardz a thugged-out duo. "These two volunteered ta be yo' partners.

"Asuna, healer." Biatch holla'd, tuggin off tha hood of her red cloak. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch smiled, extendin a gloved hand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "It aint nuthin but a pleasure ta make yo' acquaintance." Da other

"Agil." Dude waved wit a easy as fuck goin smile. "I specialize up in two handed weapons, n' I can take damage."

"Kirito. DPS." Dat shiznit was all his schmoooove ass could say. They seemed fine wit his silence, goin all up in they inventories n' only askin his ass fo' his thugged-out lyrics when they couldn't decizzle which would be dopest fo' they continued survival.

Their survival.

"Yo dude, you ok?" Agilz voice dragged his ass from his jumbled thoughts, his hairy-ass legs weak beneath his ass n' his stomach churning.

"Yeah, I be fine." Dude was fine. Git it together Kirito.

Asuna lingered, frontin there wasn't much else ta do than level grind, which was pointless since dat biiiiatch wasn't part of a guild. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch passed his ass a sandwich, explainin how tha fuck ta pick tha dopest vegetablez yo. Dude didn't listen yo, but her voice was sick... n' kind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude sank further tha fuck into his seat, pickin all up in tha crust of his bread while her voice settled his bangin restlessness. "My fuckin daddy always wanted mah crazy ass ta be a phat hoe." Biatch laughed sourly. "A phat biatch, up in his company n' at home." Biatch brushed back her long, orange afro behind her ear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "Sorry." Biatch giggled again, lookin sheepish seein his wild lil' fuckin expression. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "Yo crazy-ass chicken will git cold. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass should finish dat shit."

Agil rejoined dem later, returnin wit Asunaz rapier, proclamation wit a grin dat dat shiznit was sharp as eva "And locked n loaded ta stick itself up some demon ass!"

Asuna laughed, n' Kirito did like a muthafucka.

It felt sick.

"Open tha doors!" Da tanks pushed, hinges creakin n' wind blowin they loose or long threadz back.

Blue flames curled up from tha edgez of tha arena, a long-ass stretch of platform framed by lofty black pillars on each side. Yellow eyes glowed eerily up in tha distorted light, tha chatterin of demon minions echoin thorout tha massive room. Da boss, rose from tha ground, hooves thuddin against tha marble floor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Steam curlin up from itz nostrils. This was a gangbangin' floor boss. This was they obstacle.

Da Patriarch of Yorm

"Tanks, ta tha front!" Diabelz voice carried over tha valiant battle cry eruptin from tha playas. Da first wave surged forward, a funky-ass brutal teeth achin crash of steel against steel n' flesh.

"We need a heal!" A tank shouted, massive scalez juttin up from his beefy arms fo' realz. A Dragoon, then.

Dude barely saw her move, a gangbangin' flash of red dartin round tha field slashin minions wit a majestic rapier, spearin one bull creature up in tha throat. Dat shiznit was enthralling, watchin tha flurry of jabs n' elegant parries. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! This was a legit swordz masta n' shit.

[Bolero of Light]

Da magic was cast without warning, tha swordsmage raisin her silver blade n' unleashin a funky-ass beam of light unto tha beast yo. Holy magic yo. Dude realized. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! One of tha rare magic types fo' realz. A white glow shrouded tha tanks, they game jumpin back tha fuck into tha safe unit fo' realz. A DPS healer, he marveled, flingin a funky-ass bizzle of fire at

"Keep it up!" Diabel encouraged. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "It aint nuthin but almost at half health!"

"It goin tha fuck into itz second phase!" Dude heard Agil yell, rockin his crazy-ass mace ta block a funky-ass blow of a minon on Kiritoz left.

Da beast swung, blade swingin flames roaring. Da pace continued, beats quicker, tha flow of sharp notes up in a gangbangin' frantic rhythm, tha air cracklin wit tension.

Dark eyes turned on him, a gangbangin' flash.

Was he goin ta take a thugged-out dirtnap todizzle?

What did da thug want?

Would mah playas remember him?

Would his crew be OK?

A phat hand pushed his ass outta tha way, massive blade strikin down on whoever pushed his ass outta tha way...

His eyes widened, startled, grill dropped up in disbelief. "Diabel!" Dude choked out.

"Kirito..." Diabel wheezed, Kirito reached desperately, reachin hopelessly fo' a potion wit on hand, claspin Diabelz wit tha other n' shit. But da thug was already fading, body fragmentin n' split blood turnin ta ash. "My fuckin sister, tell her muthafuckin ass..." Dude wheezed.

"Tell her what?" Dude whimpered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Diabel simply smiled, only empty air up in his hand remainin yo. Dude stared down all up in tha empty space below him, tha roarz of tha boss n' tha criez of tha other playas muffled up in his wild lil' fuckin ears.

Special Skill Activate

[Rage of Set 1:00secscountdown]

 

Passive Activate

[Honour Thy Brutha +5% fo' DPS Moves]

 

"Big up him!" Dude heard Asuna order all up in tha haze. "Healaz git ready!"

"I be bout ta bust a cap up in you, nahmean biiiatch?" Dude snarled, stabbin all up in tha hairy-ass legz of tha beast. These people. They had crews fo' realz. Another strike. Friends. Thrust. Loved ones. What gives you dat right ta take it away..., biatch? Another n' shit. What gives you tha right ta play god wit other peoplez lives, biatch? Kayaba Akihiko!!!

Da Minotaur screeched, flailin itz massive sword. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Everythang slowed, tha shred of HP creepin down by milometers.

[Secondary Skill Activate: Slayer of Mine Brother]

"What move was that?" Asuna inquired.

Dude shrugged listlessly, flickin open his characta shizzle n' showin it ta her muthafuckin ass.

Kirito(M)

Class: Knight; Rouge

Level: 14

[Strength: 29]

[Defense: 32]

[Speed: 40]

[Dexterity: 28]

[Agility: 35]

[Finesse: 30]

[Luck: 23]

Passive Honour Thy Brother: Activated when a cold-ass lil comrade falls.

His finger hovered over tha icon Rage of Set.

Move Description: Juice manifests up in tha playas weapon, causin ta sword ta glow of wit magic. Da user thrusts forward n' impalez tha target repeatedly fo' 1:00. Da user is vulnerable ta stun n' additionizzle effects gotz a x2 effect. If there be a enemy of tha same magic type n' tha countdown has reached zero, a additionizzle +30% Damage is inflicted by tha additionizzle move skill Slayer of Mine Brutha n' shit. Well shiiiit, it releases one flash of every last muthafuckin from tha userz weapon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Def down rate is lowered.

Dat shiznit was disgusting, tha pimpin' muthafucka thought fo' realz. A passive whose only benefit came all up in tha dirtnap of his wild lil' playas. What kind of thug would want to-

"Kirito," Asuna whispered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Look up all up in tha ceiling."

Stars. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stars across tha black marble, glowin blue. Outlinez of warriors dartin round n' swingin they weapons fo' realz. A blue outline danced across tha ceiling, a funky-ass broadsword up in his cold-ass two handz n' a thugged-out determined glare.

Quest Complete: Astrum Adsequor.

Da image faded, archaic charactas twistin n' morphing.

Star REACH.

Kirito fell tha fuck onto his knees n' cried.


	4. Little Things Chapter I: To Littleroot Town

" _And dis concludes our rap battle with-"_ Da reporta smiled, microphone raised ta her too bright red lips when a playa wit black afro step up in front of her muthafuckin ass.

_"Da Handsome Norman!"_

_"Eh-herm fo' realz. And dis concludes tha rap battle wit tha Petalburg toilet leader, Norman!"_

A biatch stood up in front of a TV, smilin as tha bright screen chizzled ta a cold-ass lil commercial wit a aiiight tune; " _Pikachu, Pikachu, Pikachu shizzle is tha dopest fo' you~_ " n' bright yellows. "Oh, dear I guess you missed it honey." Biatch ran her handz along tha silky fabric of her dress, still smilin all up in tha brown haired pimp chillin down all up in tha table wit a gangbangin' fierce glower aimed where tha smilin "handsome Norman' had been.

"Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck cares bout Norman tha Narcissist anyways?" Dude grumbled bitterly, drankin from his cup of orange juice n' feelin hopelessly like a cold-ass lil child. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch still smiled, n' holla'd casually, "because he yo' daddy n' shit. Now, why don't you say hi ta tha neighbors, biatch? They gotz a thugged-out daughta round yo' age, I be shizzle whoz ass would be aiiight ta hook up you Brendan." Grumblin tha steely eyed pimp slid outta tha chair a strutted up tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "Stupid hustlin shoe mechanics..." Dude grumbled urgin his wild lil' feet ta go fasta n' shit. "Why can't dis be sixth gen?" Just as tha lyrics left his crazy-ass grill his wild lil' feet bolted forward, n' ultimately his wild lil' grill hurtled ta tha ground n' happily introduced itself ta tha dirt whoz ass was definitely not tha hoe next door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. "Just. Wonderful."

"Umm, why is you poppin' off ta tha ground?" A soft voice inquired apprehensively. "Because tha dirt is tha only damn thang round here that'll dig me complain." Brendan grumbled, still sprawled up in tha grass- by tha way, it didn't smell pimped out at all, _mom_.

"Yo ass could rap ta mah dirty ass. I'd listen." Brendan looked up, bout ta raised a skeptical brow when his sarcastic reply was promptly shoved back down his cold-ass throat n' lower jaw decided it would catch flies fo' tha rest of itz game n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch was dope naaahhmean, biatch? Sandy afro held back wit a red white striped bow n' blue eyes bright blue eyes smilin down at him, handz on her bare knees n' all dem poke-balls wit scratched paint on tha belt of her white shorts, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. _All right, Brendan, be cool. you don't wanna be lookin like a weak-ass muthafucka up in front of tha pretty hoe next door would yo slick ass?_ "Yo ass is pretty."

_Pathetic._

_Scrub._

_Loser._

A faint pink dusted her cheeks. "Oh! Nuff props, biatch." Biatch laughed, handz folded behind her back as dat dunkadelic hoe tilted her head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Yo ass is pretty like a muthafucka." Biatch called mah crazy ass pretty hommie!

_Thatz not a cold-ass lil compliment, you a muthafucka- no, you a idiot. Da most primitizzle kind of Homo Sapiens._

Clearin his cold-ass throat, Brendan smiled charmingly n' replied up in his ultra supa smexy voice;" Yes, fuck you, I be straight-up thugged-out." Biatch giggled, hidin her grill behind her hands. "Whatz wack wit yo' voice?" _Ouch, our pride. "_ Uh, there be a not a god damn thang wack wit mah voice." _Fuck dat shit, just dat you sound like a teenage Trousersnake whoz ass make all tha hoes say "Bye Bye Bye."_

"Yo ass is strange." Biatch holla'd, struttin over absently ta a swin tied ta tha lowest branch of a tree next ta a doggy den where his schmoooove ass could peep pink drapes all up in tha shutters. "Hoes call me May, you must be tha pimp whoz ass moved up in next door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Whatz yo' name?"

"Brendan," _son of tha one n' only legit narcissist, Norman. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch._ "But I be all fo' dirty ass nicknames if you want." Biatch laughed again, a ghettofab bell like sound dat sounded like a Chimecho ridin' dirty all up in tha flower gangbangs dat schmoooove muthafucka had once peeped up in a thugged-out documentary. Though, he'd have tha hoe next door- May- rather than one of dem revive dballaz any day. It make me wanna hollar playa! Biatch stood, smilin at his ass n' waving, "Well, I gotta go look fo' mah dad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dat punk probably up bustin some fieldwork somewhere." And just like dat dat biiiiatch was gone.

_Told ya. "Bye, Bye, Bye."_

'Shut up.'


End file.
